I thought 2021 was going to be a game changer for me. I had all my content planned for the year and most of the content written, edited, and ready to go. I had some things I was working on that I was really excited to release. I had interviews set up and my creative juices were flowing and then…
….I couldn’t post any of it. I would get so anxious and nervous about being so open and vulnerable, but it was this voice asking me who are you to think you’re qualified? Who are you to give any type of advice? Who are you to voice your opinions?
The little voice became so loud, I began to believe it. Not just for myself, but others as well. Constantly scrolling through social media, you see people speaking on things and voicing their opinions. I began to ask who are you or what gives you the right to judge or speak on that- well I guess technically the second amendment – but then I internalized that and asked well who am I to? I would like to think that I’m helping with my words or thoughts, but is it really needed? Is this serving a purpose? Or am I perpetuating the very thing I criticize?
Every time I dreamed something big for myself, that little voice would creep in and deter me, and I would listen. I had always thought it was fear in the driver seat.
My acting coach would say all the time “don’t let fear drive you” but it wasn’t really fear. It was this voice telling me that I was acting at being an actor. Just like this voice telling me I was acting at being a blogger. That no one really cares what you have to say and that you should stop, what makes you think you’re qualified to do this anyway? People will see right through you.
I thought this voice was my intuition. I thought my intuition was trying to steer me away, but honestly once I listened to the voice I felt unfulfilled, just like I did when I listened to my fear. I let this voice take me away from the things I love to do. I felt like at any moment, someone was going to find out I didn’t belong or wasn’t good enough, or qualified enough to be on here simply telling you what happens to me and how I get through it.
Imposter Syndrome-Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.
I gave up on a lot of the things I didn’t want judgment from. One being acting and the other being writing.
I began to hate alot of things around me. I didn’t like my job, I had no hobbies and I felt like a shell of myself. Day in and day out, I felt like I was living the same day over and over. Every job I interviewed for seemed like it was going nowhere. I couldn’t express myself through writing, and I was gaining the weight back I had recently lost, so I began to hate myself.
I had lost myself and I let myself go.
I decided that something needed to change. I didn’t like who I saw in the mirror and I wasn’t happy.
“Nothing changes, if nothing changes.”
When you don’t know where to start, start with you. I wrote down 3 things I wanted to change that would make me feel better.
- Intermittent fast
- Up my water intake
- Read a book
The first thing I did was delete social media. As I am typing this, I’m still off of social media. I found that what was supposed to be inspiring, was causing me to compare my life to others. I wasn’t in the place I wanted to be and I needed to take the focus off of them and put it on me. I started to intermittently fast because I was feeling very sluggish. Along with that I upped my water intake to 32 ounces or 1 liter and I read Atomic Habits by James Clear.
I had to find a way to build confidence in myself and hold on to it. Sometimes it takes isolation to do that. I know this is a common theme in my life. I’m sure it is for most. This constant need from social media to be open, vulnerable, and living in your truth, but it’s hard. No one tells you that with that comes, judgment, hate, and the spinning of your truths. They don’t tell you that you’ll feel the need to be on the same level of the people that you follow or you’re not good enough. You have to learn to be secure in yourself and where you are.
I wish I was typing this telling you all that it worked and giving some magical conclusion, but honestly, I’m still a work in progress. However, I’ve promised myself that in order to get back to the things I love, I actually have to do them, starting with blogging. I’ve also promised not to put such high standards on myself. This journey is slow, but I’m happy to bring you all with me! Have you ever been victim to imposter syndrome? how did you overcome it? Let’s talk about it!
Until next time!